I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize