woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Another day, another engagement, another cat
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
