I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
