8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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