You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
