We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
