Don't make out with my wife yet
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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