girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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