just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
