someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
