Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
