I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
