i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
