Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
