How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
