i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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