took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
