So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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