they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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