I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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