I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
