ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
