I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
