so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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