Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
