I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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