My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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