His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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