Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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