I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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