his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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