My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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