You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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