Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
