I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
