either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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