my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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