Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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