see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
