Whatcha textin bout Willis?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
