something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
whose parrot is this?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
