im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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