Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
