A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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