I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
