How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
