he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
