Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
