Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
