Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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