Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
