At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
