I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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