Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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