Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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